In the heat of the moment it’s very easy to get emotional and forget that a united front is the most effective means of parenting. So many of the little ways it can happen can sneak in over time despite your best intentions. Learning not to undermine each other requires conscious effort. In these cases, there may need to be counseling or parenting classes needed on how to effectively co-parent.Īs a consequence of this you may find that your child doesn’t take either one of you seriously when you set boundaries, make rules, or issue consequences. Unfortunately, this behavior can become deliberate and extreme when the relationship between parents is tense, or if there’s a separation or divorce in the works. Many of these are innocent in that one parent really isn’t trying to damage or hurt the other, or their relationship with the child. ![]() ![]() These are all examples of common and somewhat inconspicuous ways that parents can undermine each other. Say things like, “It’s no big deal” or “Calm down, they’re just kids” when your child has done something wrong?.Make excuses or cover for your child to the other parent when they’ve misbehaved?.Say things like, “You know what he can be like?” or “She’s really in a mood today”?.Routinely sleep in the room with your child, instead of with your partner?.Do you change or reduce a punishment that was doled out by the other parent?.Do you complain about the other parent in front of your kids?.Conversely, do you offer to conspire with phrases like, “You can do or have xyz, just don’t tell your mom/dad” or “Remember, this is our little secret”?.Use the other parent as the ultimate threat (i.e., “Just wait until your mom/dad finds out?” or “Your Mom/Dad is going to be so mad when they get home.”).Have you ever encouraged your child not to tell the other parent about something?.Do you ever disagree about repercussions for bad behavior in front of your child?.If you are wondering if you have been guilty of it ask yourself the following questions: Some are intentional and some aren’t, but that really doesn’t matter when it comes to the overall effect. ![]() Undermining one another can happen in a variety of ways. So, it really does beg the question - what does undermining look like? They will also probably tell you, however, that they themselves have been undermined by their partner at some point. Most parents when asked will tell you they never undermine the other parent.
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